I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
