How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
