I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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