I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
