so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I want to be your penis for a week.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
