i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
