I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
50% drunk capacity currently
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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