Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Screwed.edu
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why do cheetos always look like penises
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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