Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
