My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
