You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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