Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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