I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
