roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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