I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
