I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
