Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
