this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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