mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
