Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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