Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
