I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
