you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
