I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
