Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
