I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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