Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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