Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
cat food counts as protein by the way
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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