You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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