I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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