This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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