So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
