His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
