i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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