Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
