His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
