the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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