I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
