Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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