I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
