so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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