puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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