We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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