didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
