If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
