Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
