My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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