Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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