Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize