So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
