i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
