Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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