I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
