Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
