Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
