So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
