I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
