i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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