In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
