i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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