If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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