how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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