why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
