I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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