Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
someone owes me an orgasm
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
