apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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