Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
