Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
