When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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